All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Randomize
