Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
