He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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