so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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