my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
