and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
