come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
