true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Randomize
