party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
the condom got lost in my hair
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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