First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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