God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize