So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
