I am in a vortex of obligation.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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