Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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