if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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