Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
