We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
