Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize