I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
