I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
