I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
