You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
