And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
