Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
