how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
