She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
