Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
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