he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
