I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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