At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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