I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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