I'm really into asian looking animals
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
