i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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