Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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