apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
