he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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