why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
