I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
whose ass print is on the piano?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Randomize
