hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
And then he peed in my hair
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