We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
