I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
