Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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