In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
