I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Sorry about my life...
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
