seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
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