I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
