I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
