It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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