Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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