A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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