mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i love accidental penises.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
can u get pink eye on your cock?
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
