R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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