I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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