Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Randomize
