Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
