I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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