Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
