i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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