someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
